Houston, Texas
Houston is bigger than Tokyo -- Just another way of sticking it to Japan. The most TEXAN city on earth. Houston is bigger than 87 countries and richer than 376. Discovery On April 21st, 1836 General Sam Houston and his Army of Texas heroes (including Earl Campbell, Randy Quaid, and Dan Rather who reported live from the scene) defeated the Mexican Army of Antonio López de Santa Anna and Antonio Banderas at the battle of San Jacinto. The victory feast was held on the observation deck atop the 570 foot tall San Jacinto Monument (aka: Washington Monument but bigger and better) and consisted of Lone Star beer, fajitas, chicken fried steak, and jalapeno poppers. In gratitude for his superior leadership, the swamp town next to the battlefield, decided to rename itself- HOUSTON. They erected a giant statue of Sam Houston, but it sank into the swamp. Following 5 other attempts- and 5 lost statues, the statue was erected 100 miles to the north in nearby Huntsville. History Following the battle of San Jacinto, Houston was paved. In 1837, work began on Interstate 45- also known as the Gulf Freeway. It was projected to cost $15,000 and be completed by 1840. More freeways sprung up and soon work on the Katy Freeway, Baytown East Freeway (BEAST), and the 610 loop was underway. Although many of the early settlers questioned the need for such highways since there were no cars yet, they were quickly squelched by the city founding fathers who proclaimed the new highway system as visionary. By 1907, the Gulf Freeway project was 70 years behind schedule and millions of dollars over budget. August 1, 1907 marked the date of the first actual cars on the Houston freeway system. August 1, 1907 was also the date of the first Houston traffic jam, road rage incident, and traffic fatality. As of January 2009, the Gulf Freeway and multitudes of other freeways remain under construction. But, the Katy Freeway is done baby! In 2004, Houston introduced the METRO light rail system, offering residents an inexpensive way to be involved in daily collisions with cars and METRO buses. Other Houston History includes: Nolan Ryan, Weather disasters, Basketball championships, NASA, "Sizzurp," refineries, pollution, Astroworld, Luv ya Blue, and Rodeo. All of the above contribute to traffic. Houston Today Houston is divided into two areas: the Inner Loop, populated by gays and hippies, and the Outer Loop, a sprawling network of conservative suburbs also known as "God's Houston." Thanks to the Inner Loop, Houston was the first major U.S. city to elect an openly lesbian mayor in 2010. Immediately following the election, Austin began a search for an even more "alternative" mayor, ultimately electing a stoned transvestite ninja with a penchant for inter-species three-ways. Houston is home to the world's largest medical center, boasting almost 50 high-caliber institutions and performing more than 1.2 gazillion surgeries per year. Most of these surgeries are performed upon Barbara Bush. Houstonians who do not work in the Texas Medical Center are all employed by the oil and gas industry. The 30 who are not employed by either work at head shops in the Inner Loop. In May 2010, Stephen Colbert performed the remarkable feat of sneaking in and out of Houston without notice. This act, unfortunately, puts Houston's undisputed hero On Notice. The only evidence of Stephen Colbert's visit - the commemorative 573-foot likeness, erected in an undisclosed southeastern suburb - sank completely into the ground shortly before Mr. Colbert's inexplicably covert arrival. Houston Landmarks Astrodome- 8th wonder of the world. Beatles and Elvis perfomed there. Now dwarfed by Reliant Stadium. Used as an emergency shelter for the refugees of Katrina and the Harry Connick Jr Airlift for Humanity. Battleship Texas- Battleship that served famously in WWI and WWII. Now a floating museum, the ship is being retrofitted to allow emergency deployment in the event Texas needs to repel a flood of criminal refugees from Louisiana (see: 3rd world country). Part of the City of Houston's new tourist campaign-- "Next time evacuate to Dallas, you welfare bums!" Mixmaster- When in Houston, please visit our laugh filled thrill ride, the MIXMASTER. You've never experienced real highway driving until you've driven on one of these babies. Wrong turn? Bad decision? It'll take you hours to fix your mistake. Enjoy. NASA- The National Aeronautic Space Administration is housed in Clear Lake City, which was consumed by Houston so they can claim it as their own. This world reknown space agency has overseen many disasters and cost American tax payers a buttload of tax dollars. But, it was worth it because now we have Teflon and Tang. Stephen Colbert was reputed to have visited NASA at some point in May 2010, and not at all accompanied by the good old-fashioned ticker-tape parade that would have awaited his arrival if NASA's employees had not all been sworn to secrecy beforehand. Houston Geology Houston's land surface is composed primarily of mud (aka: Texas gumbo) and tree roaches the size of a cowboys belt buckle. Many of Houston's homeowners spend several thousand dollars each year to have the foundations of their homes leveled. Unfortunately, the undocumented laborers performing the work tend to disappear into the ground before the project is complete. Houston Climate Houston's climate is classified by the NOAA as stupid humid. During the summer months, also known as Hurricane Season, the area experiences a heavy influx of rain, wind, Louisianans, more tree roaches, and Geraldo Rivera. Despite having suffered through several major hurricanes, Houston has never required the assistance of FEMA. This is because Houstonians are able to subsist entirely upon Beer for up to six weeks. Houston Culture Houston has permanent, resident performing-arts companies in every major discipline; world-class museums; well-respected arts festivals; and some parks or something. However, no one in the city has actually been able to locate any of these, or bothered to try. The city is home to such elite cultural attractions as: * the Art Car Parade, an event where hundreds of residents compete to see who can affix the most candy, gum and doll parts to their Ford Fiestas; * the Beercan House; * the National Museum of Funeral History; * the World's Largest Redneck Convention; and * Taco Trucks. Famous People Who Live or did Live in Houston * Red Adair fireman of oil well fires-played by John Wayne * A. J. Foyt auto racer Indy 500 winner (4 time) * Howard Hughes industrialist, film producer, nut case * Vince Young- Greatest football player in the world (some day) * George Herbert Walker Bush- Former President and Baseball fanatic * Kenny Rogers - Singer, plastic-surgery disaster * Bootilicious - The world's hottest singer (aka: Beyoncé). Oh yeah, and her sister, whatsername * Shelly Duvall - Famous as Popeye's pasty white skinny girlfriend * Lyle Lovett - Ugliest man in America who was cool enough to bone Julia Roberts * Anna Nicole Smith - large breasted bimbo who made millions and then died * Data - Star Trek Next Generation's greatest movie star (aka: Brent Spiner) * Patrick "Flash Dance" Swayze- Eye candy actor for ladies * Renée Zellweger- actress aka: Squints * Walter Cronkite was here for a minute or two. A Typical Day in Houston Houston is the home to the legendary plagues. What the Egyptians referred to as the wrath of God, for Houstonians is normal. Lets review: * Plague 1 - Blood- See Houston Sports Teams. Every year the Astros and Texans suck the blood and life out of the city as they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. From season beginning enthusiasm to soul sucking losses in the end, Houston sports fans experience it all every year. * Plague 2 - Frogs- Houston is in a swamp. Contrary to popular belief, if you rub a frog, you will not get warts- but it does excite the frog. * Plague 3 - Gnat-irritating thing that has been irritating the good people of Houston for years. Also known as Marvin Zindler---yes, the idiot who exposed the Chicken Ranch (Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) and caused the great institution to close. * Plague 4 - Flies- Horse flies, Cow flies, Tsetse flies, Dog flies, Pop Flies * Plague 5 - Disease in Livestock- Fortunately, Houstonians manage to export all the diseased beef to Dallas. The Yankees disguised as Texans cannot tell the difference. * Plague 6 - Boils - The only way to cook crawfish. Boil with a lot of Tony Chachere spice. MMMM good * Plague 7 - Hail - Hail is necessary for the car dealerships to have dent sales. * Plague 8 - Locusts - Harmless creatures that make noise in the summer. They too taste great when fried with Tony Chachere spice * Plague 9 - Darkness- Every night. * Plague 10 - Death of Firstborn- Well, not exactly. What it really means is the Life of Firstborn.Rephrased: May your firstborn never move out and live in your house forever. * Plague 11 - Humidity - clothing provided by the atmosphere. Summertime provides "air you can wear". Its what makes us appreciate the four days of winter in February.